For all my big talk about how amazing it was (is) going to be to have some “all alone” time this weekend, it is just…well, weird. It doesn’t feel right. It has been a mere 12 hours since the girls were dropped at their respective best friend’s homes, but instead of living it up and taking advantage of my freedom, I’m left feeling very unsettled. I think being “Mom” must truly be ingrained in me, and being “off-duty” just kinda leaves me feeling a little lost.
My big weekend so far? We’ll start at last night…
Just dropped Em off at Audrey’s. She could not get rid of me fast enough. I think she actually said, “Ok, Mama. Time to go.” I run between the raindrops back to the car and as I turn the key, I catch myself starting to say, “All buckled?” Then I glance into the mirror and see the empty backseat. Not even a carseat. Nothing but a few (well, quite a few actually) crumbs and a cast-off hairband. Weird.
Walk into the very quiet house and am greeted by the lonely meow of Tiger. I call to check on Addie and Brandi assures me that Addikins is being “very, very good” and happily playing with the kids. Addie agrees to take a breather and say good night over the phone to me.
“Hi Mama. We are just playing. I’m being very good and using my good manners. Goodnight. Bye. Love you.”
I struggle to hold back my tears, I have rarely talked to the girls on the phone. She sounds so little. That sweet, baby voice doesn’t fit the confident four-year old I left just an hour or so ago.
I wander upstairs and begin to pack since I’ll need to be getting to the airport in ten hours or so.
I wander back downstairs, packing didn’t take nearly as long as I had anticipated. It is too early to head to bed and too late to try to watch a movie, but I desperately need some sort of noise. It is so quiet I can hear the pat-pat-pat of Tiger’s paws as she moves across the floor, even over the sound of the rain pounding our courtyard outside.
I turn on Project Runway. Mmmm…how gaudy and tacky is that dress? Oh, but how much would Em adore it? I can almost hear her exclaiming, “Look how pretty that one is, Mama! I like the sparkly straps. Isn’t it pretty, Mama?”
Tacky dress gets voted off. Should I delete the show? Well, maybe I’ll keep it and play it for Em and see if my theory is correct.
I head upstairs, I guess I should try to get a little sleep. Without thinking, I turn left at the top of the stairs to go in and tuck the girls in. Stop at Addie’s door when I see her neatly made bed and remember there is nobody to cover up, no sweet cheeks to kiss tonight.
I wander through her room and pick up a stray stuffed cat and throw it back on her bed. I can almost hear her raspy little snores, and then I catch a whiff of her sleepy smell – a mix of baby shampoo, lavender bath soap and toothpaste.
Em’s room gives more of the same – familiar smells, but an empty bed. I add water to her fishtank, Katherine, (Em’s poor, somewhat neglected fish) gives me a thankful wag of the fin for the pinch of food I also throw in.
Feeling lonely, I coax Tiger to sleep with me. My tossing and turning all night must have driven her away in the night though, when I woke up this morning even she was gone.
I just realized that I’ve been up for six hours already, one-quarter of a day, and other than a quick call to J. at the airport and a “Could I have a venti non-fat, no whip mocha, please” at the Starbucks, I haven’t said a word to anyone, or had any sort of conversations or demands to tend to. I’ve read the entire newspaper, found a craft for Em’s class to do next week (thank you, Family Fun magazine), and written this post. Now what do I do with myself?
I think this just proves that you can might be able to take the girl out of the Mom, but you can’t take the Mom out of the girl.
I miss my girls. I think by the time I can shake my Mom-mode and start to relax, it will be about the time I’m heading back home. And right now I’m really looking forward to that trip back.
