I fear that I have given you all the wrong idea about life here at Chaos. I am feeling a little bit guilty and really need to come clean.

It isn’t that I have been lying, but maybe I have  not been entirely truthful. As I was catching up on my email and blog reading this weekend I saw that my friend Christina, who is always telling me I lead such a “charmed life,” wrote, “I’m a much better mom when someone is watching.” Hmm…that really struck a chord with me. And then my friend Kimberly did an entire post about how much she chooses to put on her blog and what she leaves out. That kind of hit home, too.

When I started this blog it was for my family to follow along with our adventures while getting fed a steady stream of photos of the girls. It has since evolved into a baby book-like milestone documentation, a little jumble of craftiness,  and a whole lot of photos. But I still mostly think of it as a vehicle for when I will need a trip down memory lane after my birdies have left the nest. And I think that is why I subconsciously self-edit a lot of my posts. I want to remember all of the sweet, take-my-breath away moments. But when I look back through the archives, I realize it so isn’t the whole picture.

In fact, I’m probably giving you maybe 25% of the picture. So let me tell you the “rest of the story.”

The girls are not the angels they are usually depicted to be. They fight like all siblings do. They do not instinctively pick up after themselves. They throw fits when I suggest “why don’t you just wear the sweater that is right here.” They contradict me and have been called out on being “sassy” more times than I’d like to admit. Emma whines or does this baby talk thing and Addie “talks” in cat meows, both of which drive me to the brink of insanity.

Through it all, I try to be a patient. loving mom, that mom I want to be (or am when others are watching), but more often than not, I fail with a big, fat F. By the end of the day I just don’t have another ounce of patience. I yell. I am easily frustrated when I have to repeat myself and I’ve been known to just pretty much…give up. I get to the point where I “just-don’t-care-how-or-what-you-do-just-get-INTO-bed-NOW-before-I-get-up-to-your-room!” That old saying “when Momma’s unhappy, nobody’s happy” really rings true in our house most days in our house.

So why am I telling you all of this? I don’t know – I guess I don’t want you to think it is always rainbows and sunshine over here. I want to be able to vent occasionally and I do it best through writing, so I don’t want you to be totally surprised when I sit down and write an out-of-left-field rant. And I also want you to know the behind the scenes, I am like every other ordinary mom trying to raise kids that will be kids. I don’t have it all figured out, I’m just a pretty good actor.

In the end, it all comes down to – when I look back, I don’t want to remember the days that I am not the mom I want to be. I want to remember the amazing moments and feel like I really did enjoy the little things. So I won’t apologize anymore, but there will always be more “good day” posts than “bad day” ones. And lots of photos, too.