Last night was not one of my finer parenting moments.

It was hitting-rock-bottom awful, in fact. I think it has been brewing for the past few months. I can see myself losing patience much more easily not only with the girls, but just in general. I feel frustrated most of the time and just a little bit out of control. And I have noticed the effect it is having on Em, especially. Her “stern” rants when she is frustrated, her attitude-riddled comments with me, when she yells at her sister – all of it I know she is picking up from me.

So last night.

Have you ever had an experience where you feel like you are outside of your body just watching an event unfold? I felt like that last night. And I was horrified of the monster mom I saw – impatient, yelling, acting like…well, like a 3-year old. After I managed to get the girls into bed, I just went downstairs and wept. I was so upset at myself for handling everything so wrong.

I remembered all my promised whispers when they were born – I can’t imagine ever doing anything to hurt you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you. I will never yell at you or make you feel that you are inconsequential.

I would love to blame being tired, stressed-out, home with the girls by ourselves again, but I can’t. I just completely lost control and failed especially on my last “promise.”. Clearly the book I’m reading (Buddhism for Mothers: A calm approach to caring for yourself and your children) is not working, or I haven’t yet reached the part where I can turn the theories into practicalities.

Thankfully, children wake up each morning only remembering the things they want to remember. They forget and forgive so easily. And since I am the only mother they have ever known, they don’t have a lot to compare it to. This morning they bounded down the stairs, laughing, their little bodies full of energy, ready for a brand-new day.

And, I greeted them with the same enthusiasm and showered love on them as I proposed a little “pact” between all of us. I apologized for being an ogre last night and told them how very sad it made me to be so mean. I also vowed to them that I was going to try much harder to not raise my voice, and then we came up sit a funny signal. Whenever anyone in our house starts to yell, or get angry we are going to give them the “signal.” And give that person an opportunity to settle down and compose themselves.

Em, of course, is a huge cheerleader in the whole experiment. After we had our talk this morning, I had asked Em to do something and she did her little aggravated, “ughhhhh.” I looked at her and said, “Emma Grace…” and she broke out in this huge grin and said, “Hey, Mom! You were supposed to give me our signal!”

The rest of the morning and beginning of the afternoon was beautiful. Like last night never happened. I had obedient, calm girls sharing and being very loving to one another – and me. I felt mindful and focused on them, and found our morning to be so much more enjoyable. I felt like the calm Mommy I want to be. The calm Mommy these two sweet girls deserve.

I’ll keep you updated on our journey. I feel like we hit the crest of a very big wave last night. Hopefully we are sailing into some calmer seas ahead.