I realize that Chaos has been kinda “Addie-heavy” around here lately. This became pretty apparent as I was flipping through photos and I had about 20 “keepers” of Ad, but far fewer of Em. And lately our Flickr photos is just one long stream of Addison sprinkled with an Emma or two here and there. So I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out this trend, I mean Emma is here. She is around.
And all I can come up with is…she just doesn’t seem to need me so much. She’s testing out her wings which just doesn’t involve Mommy.
“Can I just read these books on my own?” she’ll ask as I’m turning out her lights.
“Can I go play pbskids on the computer? – No it is okay, I can do it myself, Mama!”
“Nah, I don’t really want to go for a bike ride, I’ll just stay here with Daddy.”
“Can I go play with Audrey. No without you. You can drop me off?”
When I asked her if she wanted to go to the beach tomorrow, she said “Yeah! Who is going with us?”
(Because she can’t go to the beach with just her Mom?)
She just seems so old. Mature. Thirteen already!
And as she is off doing all the big, independent six-year old things – without me – I guess I must have just turned the camera and attention to Addie instead.
But while we were walking through a store last night, I felt Em’s soft, little hand reach up for mine. We wandered around, her hand in mine, as she pointed out all kinds of things that she thinks we need at home. I looked down to my favorite sweet spot on the top of her head, and there, under a bunch of blue hair glitter, I found my little girl. Looking up expectantly at me, willing me to just listen to her. In that moment I realized she may be careening towards becoming a big girl, but she will always be my first baby. She will always need me patiently waiting for her, for when she gets tired of flying out on her own.