{"id":2244,"date":"2010-02-06T14:35:02","date_gmt":"2010-02-06T21:35:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/barelycontrolledchaos.com\/wordpress\/?p=2244"},"modified":"2010-02-06T14:35:02","modified_gmt":"2010-02-06T21:35:02","slug":"alone-at-last","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/barelycontrolledchaos.com\/wordpress\/?p=2244","title":{"rendered":"Alone. At last?"},"content":{"rendered":"

For all my big talk about how amazing<\/strong> it was (is) going to be to have some \u201call alone\u201d time this weekend, it is just\u2026well, weird. It doesn\u2019t feel right. It has been a mere 12 hours since the girls were dropped at their respective best friend\u2019s homes, but instead of living it up and taking advantage of my freedom, I\u2019m left feeling very unsettled. I think being \u201cMom\u201d must truly be ingrained in me, and being “off-duty” just kinda leaves me feeling a little lost.<\/p>\n

My big<\/strong> weekend so far? We’ll start at last night\u2026<\/p>\n

Just dropped Em off at Audrey\u2019s. She could not get rid of me fast enough. I think she actually said, \u201cOk, Mama. Time to go.\u201d I run between the raindrops back to the car and as I turn the key, I catch myself starting to say, \u201cAll buckled?\u201d Then I glance into the mirror and see the empty backseat. Not even a carseat. Nothing but a few (well, quite a few actually) crumbs and a cast-off hairband. Weird.<\/p>\n

Walk into the very quiet house and am greeted by the lonely meow of Tiger. I call to check on Addie and Brandi assures me that Addikins is being \u201cvery, very good\u201d and happily playing with the kids. Addie agrees to take a breather and say good night over the phone to me.<\/p>\n

\u201cHi Mama. We are just playing. I\u2019m being very good and using my good manners. Goodnight. Bye. Love you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I struggle to hold back my tears, I have rarely talked to the girls on the phone. She sounds so little. That sweet, baby voice doesn\u2019t fit the confident four-year old I left just an hour or so ago.<\/p>\n

I wander upstairs and begin to pack since I\u2019ll need to be getting to the airport in ten hours or so.<\/p>\n

I wander back downstairs, packing didn\u2019t take nearly as long as I had anticipated. It is too early to head to bed and too late to try to watch a movie, but I desperately need some sort of noise. It is so quiet I can hear the pat-pat-pat of Tiger\u2019s paws as she moves across the floor, even over the sound of the rain pounding our courtyard outside.<\/p>\n

I turn on Project Runway. Mmmm\u2026how gaudy and tacky is that dress? Oh, but how much would Em adore it? I can almost hear her exclaiming, \u201cLook how pretty that one is, Mama! I like the sparkly straps. Isn\u2019t it pretty, Mama?\u201d<\/p>\n

Tacky dress gets voted off. Should I delete the show? Well, maybe I\u2019ll keep it and play it for Em and see if my theory is correct.<\/p>\n

I head upstairs, I guess I should try to get a little sleep. Without thinking, I turn left at the top of the stairs to go in and tuck the girls in. Stop at Addie\u2019s door when I see her neatly made bed and remember there is nobody to cover up, no sweet cheeks to kiss tonight.<\/p>\n

I wander through her room and pick up a stray stuffed cat and throw it back on her bed. I can almost hear her raspy little snores, and then I catch a whiff of her sleepy smell \u2013 a mix of baby shampoo, lavender bath soap and toothpaste.<\/p>\n

Em\u2019s room gives more of the same \u2013 familiar smells, but an empty bed. I add water to her fishtank, Katherine, (Em\u2019s poor, somewhat neglected fish) gives me a thankful wag of the fin for the pinch of food I also throw in.<\/p>\n

Feeling lonely, I coax Tiger to sleep with me. My tossing and turning all night must have driven her away in the night though, when I woke up this morning even she was gone.<\/p>\n

I just realized that I\u2019ve been up for six hours already, one-quarter of a day, and other than a quick call to J. at the airport and a \u201cCould I have a venti non-fat, no whip mocha, please\u201d at the Starbucks, I haven\u2019t said a word to anyone, or had any sort of conversations or demands to tend to. I\u2019ve read the entire newspaper, found a craft for Em\u2019s class to do next week (thank you, Family Fun magazine), and written this post. Now what do I do with myself?<\/p>\n

I think this just proves that you can might be able to take the girl out of the Mom, but you can\u2019t take the Mom out of the girl.<\/p>\n

I miss my girls. I think by the time I can shake my Mom-mode and start to relax, it will be about the time I\u2019m heading back home. And right now I\u2019m really looking forward to that trip back.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

For all my big talk about how amazing it was (is) going to be to have some \u201call alone\u201d time this weekend, it is just\u2026well, weird. It doesn\u2019t feel right. It has been a mere 12 hours since the girls … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2244","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/psMOS-Ac","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/barelycontrolledchaos.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2244"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/barelycontrolledchaos.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/barelycontrolledchaos.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/barelycontrolledchaos.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/barelycontrolledchaos.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2244"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/barelycontrolledchaos.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2244\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2245,"href":"http:\/\/barelycontrolledchaos.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2244\/revisions\/2245"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/barelycontrolledchaos.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2244"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/barelycontrolledchaos.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2244"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/barelycontrolledchaos.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2244"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}